Long Time

I realized the other day just how long it had been since I had written anything.
Can't believe it's been over a year!
Going to try to get back into the swing of doing this.
A lot has happened in that year - including a move that has come with a lot of adjustments for us. Although I miss our old neighbors, we have some great ones here in the new neighborhood! Acceptance for Aiden was one thing I really worried about - and people have been great with him.
Aiden has made great progress this past year - reading and being more social. We are still working on his language and need to get more aggressive with OT for fine motor skills, and he is really missing school right now - but doing great!
Aaron & Andrew are doing great as well - I think they are adjusted to the move, although Andrew still will sometimes complain about not going to the same school - but hasn't mentioned word one of this since school has been out.
I'm doing okay - working more hours, and no relapse since last year. My last MRI should very little progression of the MS - so continuing on with the current therapy since it seems to be working.
Hopefully this fall I'll be able to keep up more with the posting - and add pictures as I go (will be upgrading my phone).
I want to be able to post some of the daily things that happen, to have more of a record of how the boys are doing -

drowning

struggling
drowning
gasping for breath

this has been my day.

i've done something wrong and i am not sure what.

alone

i have snapped at my kids - and barely gotten through the day.
want to scream, cry, hit, kick, spit, just get it all out but don't know how.

want to ask for forgiveness - to say i'm sorry, but when i get the question back what for - what do i say. i didn't mean to disappoint - yet i did.

isolation

i'm not good at putting things into words.
i'm so tired yet right now i now i can't sleep. the one person i want to talk to isn't really talking to me - so i can't feel better. superficial conversation. sat for an hour and a half without speaking.
hated the way i felt today - prayed for peace - haven't felt it.
don't want to do anything - no motivation, got through the day because it is expected, after all i am the mom.
don't want to cry myself to sleep again - don't know if my angry outburst even was heard. silence is killing me.

yet - i will go on, and to people on the outside be pleasant and keep up appearances, and they won't know all that is raging inside.

i pray this doesn't last. tired of stuggling. want to be comforted and held and reassured. want to feel loved. want to feel. hate being numb.

blah

Been a while. Guess I didn't realize how long. Things started moving quickly to get our house ready to sell. Thought I was doing okay with moving - getting over the uprooting of the kids (even though it wouldn't be all that far away), but now I am not so sure. I know the move is necessary - it's just a really big change.
I just feel blah today. Symptoms of the MS have been back, not horrible - but it is just enough to be annoying, it's weird having your thighs numb.
Communication seems to have broken down - and I really hate that. I feel awful. I feel alone. I know that I am not - it's just how I feel. I just want to curl up and do nothing.

Sickness

Well - I am really ready for sickness to leave my house.
After Aiden being ill Sunday night into Monday, Jason wasn't feeling well the next three days, then starting Wednesday I wasn't feeling right and started on Z-pack Thursday (spending most of the day in bed). Now Drew has apparently what Aiden had.
If I didn't feel so awful I would get up now and start spraying lysol all over the place (even though I can't stand the smell of the stuff).
I really really would like everyone to be well for Saturday! We have a chance for a night out with the kids going to grandparents for the night. It's a belated birthday dinner for me - since I spent my birthday in bed.
I should be sleeping now - need my rest. The doctor said today that the steriods I was on to treat the MS symptoms probably set me up for an infection - and now I need to get over this, since infections can lead to MS relapse. What a vicious circle.
The numbness and weakness in my legs is back to bad again - due to fever. I know the worst is only temporary - it just still sucks.
Jason has been great taking care of the kids though - so I can rest. He also got me some great birthday gifts.
Okay - so here is my prayer in the middle night:
Lord - Thank you for blessing me with a wonderful family, and friends. You are our protector and healer. I ask that You come with Your healing touch to all in this household - and touch them where needed. Calm stomachs, sooth throats, repair connections - whatever is needed by each person. May tomorrow bring more of Your light into our home.

How to help

Woken up at 1am - Aiden throwing up. Hate this part! He can't tell me if his stomach is just upset, or if he is really in pain. He doesn't understand the whole get it out thing - wants to hold it in. I can see the fear in his eyes - and try to hard to comfort. It's been two hours of on and off. The only thing he drinks is milk - and I am trying to hold off on giving him any - yet know he needs fluids to rehydrate. Thankfully at the moment he seems to be sleeping peacefully - but I am afraid to go to far - even though there is laundry that should be moved from the washer - and more to go in from the last couple of hours.
I so want to know if my holding him - stroking his back is meaningful to him. How can I convey that he shouldn't be afraid - I don't like that look of fear in his eyes - that he doesn't understand what is happening. Thankfully this doesn't happen often, for both of us.
Lord - just come and heal him. Touch his stomach - comfort him in ways I can't. Let him rest and get over this stomach bug or irritation or whatever it is.

Home & Garden Show

Made it through the Home & Garden show okay, just tired, leg weakness wasn't too bad today. Just numbness in my feet, and know this evening in my face (sinus area) feels kinda weird, but not affecting speech or swallowing. Saw several cool things at the show - and seeing the flowers was a great break from the snow. Loved the snow cherry trees that we saw.
Lots of people trying to get us to remodel - when said I was looking to move, it was - just remodel, it's cheaper - but it's really hard to remodel a 2 story house to a ranch. Did register to win a free house power wash - that would come in handy to wash the house and make the outside sparkle to show.
Realtor came by the house, we are starting the process of what things we can do to make the house "sellable". Which are a few cosmetic things - and lots of just clearing out, simplify. We will be working hard the next couple of months to do just that, while looking around also for a ranch style home in the same school district we are in right now. This is sooner than we thought, but with my relapse seems more necessary now then before.
Also starting to look for a summer program for Aiden to attend - and trying to figure out payment for, and how much county funds may cover and how that all works.
Should go to bed now - having brunch with a cousin and a friend tomorrow - then off to be pampered for a little bit by getting a manicure.

Meaningful

Sometimes the smallest gestures can have the greatest impact. Last night after I crawled into bed, and was all snuggled under the covers - Jason came in and just kissed my forehead, told me he loved me, and to sleep well. This simple thing meant the world to me last night.
Well, I have just taken the last 500mg dose of prednisone this morning - weakness in my legs is better, but the numbness feeling is still pretty bad on the bottom of my feet. Thankfully - I haven't had to much swelling or "bad" side effects from the drugs.
Today is Home & Garden Show day! Need to remember to take it slow, and sit occasionally.
Okay - must be off to get ready to go, and clean up a few things before I go.