drowning

struggling
drowning
gasping for breath

this has been my day.

i've done something wrong and i am not sure what.

alone

i have snapped at my kids - and barely gotten through the day.
want to scream, cry, hit, kick, spit, just get it all out but don't know how.

want to ask for forgiveness - to say i'm sorry, but when i get the question back what for - what do i say. i didn't mean to disappoint - yet i did.

isolation

i'm not good at putting things into words.
i'm so tired yet right now i now i can't sleep. the one person i want to talk to isn't really talking to me - so i can't feel better. superficial conversation. sat for an hour and a half without speaking.
hated the way i felt today - prayed for peace - haven't felt it.
don't want to do anything - no motivation, got through the day because it is expected, after all i am the mom.
don't want to cry myself to sleep again - don't know if my angry outburst even was heard. silence is killing me.

yet - i will go on, and to people on the outside be pleasant and keep up appearances, and they won't know all that is raging inside.

i pray this doesn't last. tired of stuggling. want to be comforted and held and reassured. want to feel loved. want to feel. hate being numb.

blah

Been a while. Guess I didn't realize how long. Things started moving quickly to get our house ready to sell. Thought I was doing okay with moving - getting over the uprooting of the kids (even though it wouldn't be all that far away), but now I am not so sure. I know the move is necessary - it's just a really big change.
I just feel blah today. Symptoms of the MS have been back, not horrible - but it is just enough to be annoying, it's weird having your thighs numb.
Communication seems to have broken down - and I really hate that. I feel awful. I feel alone. I know that I am not - it's just how I feel. I just want to curl up and do nothing.