drowning

struggling
drowning
gasping for breath

this has been my day.

i've done something wrong and i am not sure what.

alone

i have snapped at my kids - and barely gotten through the day.
want to scream, cry, hit, kick, spit, just get it all out but don't know how.

want to ask for forgiveness - to say i'm sorry, but when i get the question back what for - what do i say. i didn't mean to disappoint - yet i did.

isolation

i'm not good at putting things into words.
i'm so tired yet right now i now i can't sleep. the one person i want to talk to isn't really talking to me - so i can't feel better. superficial conversation. sat for an hour and a half without speaking.
hated the way i felt today - prayed for peace - haven't felt it.
don't want to do anything - no motivation, got through the day because it is expected, after all i am the mom.
don't want to cry myself to sleep again - don't know if my angry outburst even was heard. silence is killing me.

yet - i will go on, and to people on the outside be pleasant and keep up appearances, and they won't know all that is raging inside.

i pray this doesn't last. tired of stuggling. want to be comforted and held and reassured. want to feel loved. want to feel. hate being numb.

blah

Been a while. Guess I didn't realize how long. Things started moving quickly to get our house ready to sell. Thought I was doing okay with moving - getting over the uprooting of the kids (even though it wouldn't be all that far away), but now I am not so sure. I know the move is necessary - it's just a really big change.
I just feel blah today. Symptoms of the MS have been back, not horrible - but it is just enough to be annoying, it's weird having your thighs numb.
Communication seems to have broken down - and I really hate that. I feel awful. I feel alone. I know that I am not - it's just how I feel. I just want to curl up and do nothing.

Sickness

Well - I am really ready for sickness to leave my house.
After Aiden being ill Sunday night into Monday, Jason wasn't feeling well the next three days, then starting Wednesday I wasn't feeling right and started on Z-pack Thursday (spending most of the day in bed). Now Drew has apparently what Aiden had.
If I didn't feel so awful I would get up now and start spraying lysol all over the place (even though I can't stand the smell of the stuff).
I really really would like everyone to be well for Saturday! We have a chance for a night out with the kids going to grandparents for the night. It's a belated birthday dinner for me - since I spent my birthday in bed.
I should be sleeping now - need my rest. The doctor said today that the steriods I was on to treat the MS symptoms probably set me up for an infection - and now I need to get over this, since infections can lead to MS relapse. What a vicious circle.
The numbness and weakness in my legs is back to bad again - due to fever. I know the worst is only temporary - it just still sucks.
Jason has been great taking care of the kids though - so I can rest. He also got me some great birthday gifts.
Okay - so here is my prayer in the middle night:
Lord - Thank you for blessing me with a wonderful family, and friends. You are our protector and healer. I ask that You come with Your healing touch to all in this household - and touch them where needed. Calm stomachs, sooth throats, repair connections - whatever is needed by each person. May tomorrow bring more of Your light into our home.

How to help

Woken up at 1am - Aiden throwing up. Hate this part! He can't tell me if his stomach is just upset, or if he is really in pain. He doesn't understand the whole get it out thing - wants to hold it in. I can see the fear in his eyes - and try to hard to comfort. It's been two hours of on and off. The only thing he drinks is milk - and I am trying to hold off on giving him any - yet know he needs fluids to rehydrate. Thankfully at the moment he seems to be sleeping peacefully - but I am afraid to go to far - even though there is laundry that should be moved from the washer - and more to go in from the last couple of hours.
I so want to know if my holding him - stroking his back is meaningful to him. How can I convey that he shouldn't be afraid - I don't like that look of fear in his eyes - that he doesn't understand what is happening. Thankfully this doesn't happen often, for both of us.
Lord - just come and heal him. Touch his stomach - comfort him in ways I can't. Let him rest and get over this stomach bug or irritation or whatever it is.

Home & Garden Show

Made it through the Home & Garden show okay, just tired, leg weakness wasn't too bad today. Just numbness in my feet, and know this evening in my face (sinus area) feels kinda weird, but not affecting speech or swallowing. Saw several cool things at the show - and seeing the flowers was a great break from the snow. Loved the snow cherry trees that we saw.
Lots of people trying to get us to remodel - when said I was looking to move, it was - just remodel, it's cheaper - but it's really hard to remodel a 2 story house to a ranch. Did register to win a free house power wash - that would come in handy to wash the house and make the outside sparkle to show.
Realtor came by the house, we are starting the process of what things we can do to make the house "sellable". Which are a few cosmetic things - and lots of just clearing out, simplify. We will be working hard the next couple of months to do just that, while looking around also for a ranch style home in the same school district we are in right now. This is sooner than we thought, but with my relapse seems more necessary now then before.
Also starting to look for a summer program for Aiden to attend - and trying to figure out payment for, and how much county funds may cover and how that all works.
Should go to bed now - having brunch with a cousin and a friend tomorrow - then off to be pampered for a little bit by getting a manicure.

Meaningful

Sometimes the smallest gestures can have the greatest impact. Last night after I crawled into bed, and was all snuggled under the covers - Jason came in and just kissed my forehead, told me he loved me, and to sleep well. This simple thing meant the world to me last night.
Well, I have just taken the last 500mg dose of prednisone this morning - weakness in my legs is better, but the numbness feeling is still pretty bad on the bottom of my feet. Thankfully - I haven't had to much swelling or "bad" side effects from the drugs.
Today is Home & Garden Show day! Need to remember to take it slow, and sit occasionally.
Okay - must be off to get ready to go, and clean up a few things before I go.

Relapse

Well, apparently the fatigue/numbness in my legs is a relapse of the MS.
SO - massive does of steriods (yay for taking 10 pills at one sitting!), at least it is just less then half of what I had to take in July (and this is only for 3 days and not 5). Praying this will help lessen the symptoms I am feeling before Saturday and walking around the Home & Garden show.
Praying that this helps - and that it doesn't get any worse!

Thankful

Okay - it's been awhile again, just not used to this I guess.
Sitting here, after being granted a day off to rest, trying to do that and realizing that I am so thankful for the chance to do just that and struggling to do so. I think it is hard for the Mom to take a day off and be in the same house with the kids and the husband. Not because the husband has done anything wrong, but because of how strong the mothering instinct is, at least with me. I want to be the peacekeeper - but need to let the boys figure things out on their own.

I have other things to be thankful for since the last time too - my medication for the MS is being covered by the drug company - at least for now and that is a huge financial blessing for the family.
We have stayed safe and warm during all the snow this month.
Although we need a new garage door - we have the money to pay for it, and it will set back paying off some debt, we won't go further into debt to replace it.
Aiden is talking more - and wanting to be more interactive. Going to be transitioning him to a regular kindergarden bus for his ride home from school - instead of the pre-school bus they have been sending for him. Praying this goes well - since this bus will not have an aide on it. I'm pretty sure this will go okay - he has been riding a bus since he was 3 and knows the rules on them.

Some of the MS symptoms seem to be back in full force - hence the day of rest. Think I overdid it some days during the snow shoveling and running up and down the stairs doing laundry. Praying that by having a day of rest / down time that they will subside - or a call to the doctor is in the very near future.

tired...

So maybe this is a good idea - maybe it isnt'. Haven't been very disciplined in writing. Today is/was day 10 of the therapy. Shots aren't hard to give to myself - it's the 10 to 15 minutes afterward that really aren't pleasant.
Today was a rough day. I started the day tired - shoveling snow yesterday plus working and some laundry wore me out. Tonight I am even more worn out - laundry, baked cookies, and argued with boys. Working toward change is hard. I need to change, and the boys need to help and accept more responsibility. Part of my problem is I want it to happen now. I need to remember it is a process (and can be a slow one at that). I have made some progress in organization - but I seem to focus on the negative and the down side. I'm tired of saying the same things over and over. Having all the same arguements.
I will get to where I want to be - in God's time not mine. I need to learn to rely more on Him and less on me. There is so much I want. Baby steps - need to remember that is how all things start, after all God sent His son as a baby - who needed to learn to walk. I need to learn a new lifestyle, new way of living, but right now I need sleep.

Therapy/Treatment

Okay -
so today starts my therapy/treatment whichever is the right way to say it. I'll be taking daily injections of copaxone. It has been a rough day so far for me. I think is has more to do with the fact that once I start the drug it is real. This is really part of my life now. I have multiple sclerosis.

confused

ever feel like you just don't know what just happened?
that's what is happening this morning. negativity in the house, when Mom says no - move on, don't whine about, or throw your ipod shuffle, or bang your head on the couch saying you wished it was the wall. that isn't a way to get what you want.
fess up to your mistakes - and the easiest way to get Mom or Dad off you back is to do what you are asked (without complaining or whining or attitude) - then contiune doing it in the future (i.e. turn off lights when you leave a room, flush the toilet after you use it, dishes into the dishwasher if it is dirty, put your things away right after you use them).
if something is bothering you - then please talk to your family members. don't just decide to go out, and you'll be back later. that hurts feelings.
several things need to do today (shop for shoes - running/walking, put laundry away, get ready for the school week, get roast into crockpot, play referee to the kids, want to get more things organized).
guess I should get off the computer and get going, but needed to do something instead of scream into pillow or beat the couch (especially since I ask the kids not to do that) or over react to something the kids have done.

FRUSTRATION!!

They (although I am not really sure who "they" are) say that right before I break through comes frustration. Well, I am really looking forward to what should be a GREAT BIG HUGE breakthrough.
Frustration is also a daily thing lately, with about everything. Then I feel like if I say anything - I am the bad person. Some of my frustration no one but me can do anything about - and I really am trying to work on those things. Keeping my things more organized - so the kids can come back and say, "but look at your room or see your shoes are in the middle of the living room). Trying to keep up with the housework a little better. It's just hard when trying to do those things and all the "old" organizing and cleaning - and the everyday things.
James 1:2-3 - My brothers and sisters, you will face all kinds of trouble. When you do, think of it as pure joy. Your faith will be put to the test. You know that when that happens it will produce in you the strength to continue. Posted this verse on my Facebook today - guess I really needed to read it. Wonder if frustration can also be considered trouble? I need to see the joy in small accomplishments, instead of saying well, if I get all these things done (the basement, my bedroom, the bathrooms, the boys rooms, etc.) THEN I will feel better and can relax.
I also need to learn to not feel guilty about taking the time for me to rest periodically throughout the day. I know that if I get too run down, that I will get sick. Found that out the hard way right after christmas, nothing like being sick over New Year's (and old MS symptoms returning because I was running a fever).
Oh well, this helped with some frustration - now to box a few more things up (VOA has a truck coming around tomorrow - and some stuff is going OUT).

Trying Something New

Must be something in the air today, this is the second new thing for me. Earlier today I registered for a 5K, not in my "normal" routine. As a mom of three young boys, who works part-time and isn't a runner - this is highly unusual. Although, in the last few years I can't say much about my life has been usual.
Our youngest son was diagnosed with Autism at the age of 3-1/2, so between doctor appt.'s, testing, then therapies - plus the schedules of the older two, not much time is really left over for other things.
Then, I have the fear of leaving him with others. He does well - it's Mom who panics. He can't tell me if anything happens to him that shouldn't. This scares me - his first day of preschool I was a wreck. This has gotten better, and things were falling into a pretty good schedule and routine when the bottom kinda fell out.
I had numbness in my toes, that then spread to my legs. Thinking I had just pulled a muscle or pinched or nerve or something - I scheduled a Doctor appointment (with a brand new doctor, since over the last few years I really hadn't been to one). Well, a few MRI's, a spinal tap, nuero-opthomolagist appt. and tests, and MONTHS later - a Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis was given.
Now - waiting for the insurance company to decide which treatment they think would be better for me. I know which one I want - but, it can cost $24,000.00 per year. SO - waiting to hear how much they will pay, and how much would have to be out of our pockets.
I am just tired. Partly because of the MS, partly because I am a Mom, partly because of insurance companies & red tape.
So, this blog is to help me get things out. Maybe sort them out in my head. An outlet for how I am feeling.
One more thing that anyone reading this should know - I am a Christian, I do believe in God. He has a plan and a purpose in all of this, that I know. I may not be happy that I don't know the plan & the purpose - that's where the faith part comes in.